"Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits, that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits" (Richmond, 2019).
Intro
In the past, I often found myself feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, and burnt out because I was constantly trying to please other people and keep them happy. While it is a nice gesture to try to make others happy, it is not so nice to put other people first when it is at the expense of your own self and your own needs. For a long time, I was deteriorating my own mental, emotional, and physical health in order to make sure that my friends and family were happy and okay. Obviously, it is important to check in on your friends and family to make sure that they are okay and doing well, but it is not your responsibility to take care of the people in your life, especially if you are not taking care of your own self.
Setting boundaries is not only essential for effective self-care but setting boundaries is essential to strengthening and fostering healthy relationships with others as well. Setting boundaries is not black and white — it is not just mastering the art of knowing when to say "yes" or when to say "no," but rather, it is learning how to navigate the grey areas. It is figuring out how to vocalize what you are feeling and how to stand by those emotions, without letting others guilt trip you, manipulate you, or peer pressure you into acting against your own self. To make things even more complicated, there are many different types of boundaries that you will come across in your life.
While setting boundaries and staying firm in those boundaries may seem daunting and challenging now, I am going to lay out the different types of boundaries for you and provide examples of how to practice healthy ones.
Time Boundaries
Time boundaries are those boundaries that have to do with "how much time you spend with someone, doing something, or time boundaries at work," (Local Optimist, 2020). It is important to set time boundaries because without these boundaries, people often spread themselves too thin, exhaust themselves, and burn themselves out. Yes, it is important to make sure that you are getting all of your work done and taking care of all of your responsibilities, but you won't be able to accomplish anything if you are mentally, emotionally, and physically depleted. One example of a situation in which you could set a healthy time boundary would be if you and your co-workers set aside two hours of time to work together on a project, but as the project goes on, a co-worker asks you to work on it for an extra hour. You know that if you continue to work on the project, you will be exhausted, stressed, and it will not be your best work — you know that you need to take a break. So, to set a healthy boundary, you could tell your co-worker, "Hey, I would love to help further with the project, but I need to take a lunch break to relax and then I will get back to the project later today." As a result of this boundary, you are not only taking care of yourself first, but you are also making sure that the project will, in fact, get done. This boundary allows you to take care of yourself and your responsibilities at the same time.
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries are those boundaries that have to do with "physical proximity, sexuality, and how much space you share with others," (Local Optimist, 2020). Physical boundaries are important because, without these boundaries, people can feel uncomfortable, taken advantage of, and vulnerable. One example of a situation in which you could set a healthy physical boundary could be when your partner is in the mood to be sexual, but you are not. In this situation, a healthy physical boundary could sound like "I still care about you, but I do not want to be sexual right now. I would appreciate it if you could respect that and give me my space right now." As a result of this boundary, your partner should respect you and your request, and give you the space you need to feel comfortable or "in the mood" again.
Conversational Boundaries
Conversational boundaries are those boundaries that have to do with "topics you are open to discussing and not discussing," (Local Optimist, 2020). Conversational boundaries are important because, without these boundaries, people can feel anxious, stressed, or uncomfortable. Oftentimes, having to partake in a conversation that you are not comfortable being a part of can cause harsh feelings, resentment, arguments, and lead to very unpleasant reactions. One example of a situation in which you could set a healthy conversational boundary would be in a discussion about politics, especially with someone who has an opposing viewpoint. In this situation, a healthy conversational boundary could sound like, "I understand that you want to discuss this right now, but I am not in the right headspace to be getting involved in this conversation. I'm going to go into the other room so I don't have to be a part of this right now." As a result of this boundary, whoever you were having the conversation with should understand that you are not being rude or disrespectful, but rather you are aware of your feelings and are trying to prevent an argument or unnecessary fight.
Relationship Boundaries
Relationship boundaries are those boundaries that have to do with "boundaries which are mutually agreed upon with your close friends and partner," (Local Optimist, 2020). Relationship boundaries are important because, without them, people can get irritated, frustrated, upset, or even completely misunderstand one another. Relationships are a lot of work, both self-work and teamwork, so without healthy boundaries, relationships are almost bound to fail. One example of a situation in which you could set a healthy relationship boundary would be if your partner is getting upset because they think you are not spending enough time with them, but you just need your space to hang out with your friends/family. In this situation, a healthy relationship boundary could sound like, "I understand where you are coming from, but I need my own space to hang out with my friends and have some time for myself." As a result of this boundary, your partner should be willing to see where you are coming from and either respect the boundary you are setting or have a conversation about why you two feel differently/are viewing this situation differently.
Personal Boundaries
Personal boundaries are those boundaries that "you have placed on yourself based on awareness of your own unique needs," (Local Optimist, 2020). Personal boundaries are incredibly important because oftentimes, you are your own worst enemy. People tend to be harsh critics, especially when it comes to themselves, so if you are aware of certain actions or thoughts that will affect you in a negative way, setting personal boundaries around this would be very beneficial. One example of a situation in which you could set a healthy personal boundary would be if you know that you are very hyper-focused on your weight and that stepping on the scale usually makes you upset, anxious and stressed out. In this situation, a healthy boundary could consist of thinking to yourself, "I know that I constantly monitor my weight and am always anxious/stressed about it, so I will only step on the scale once every two weeks." As a result of this boundary, you are looking out for yourself and actively taking steps to set boundaries that will prioritize your mental and emotional well-being.
Consumption Boundaries
Consumption boundaries are those boundaries surrounding "things you will and will not consume (food, social media, TV, etc.)" (Local Optimist, 2020). Consumption boundaries are important because people frequently get caught up, obsessed with, or addicted to consumption as a way to cope with their emotions — whether that be content on social media or junk food, setting boundaries regarding consumption is vital to your mental, emotional, and physical health. One example of a situation in which you could set a healthy consumption boundary would be if you know that you tend to stay on social media for hours on end, over-analyze other users, and compare yourself to them, in turn causing yourself unnecessary amounts of stress, anxiety, and negative thoughts. If this were the case, then a healthy consumption boundary could consist of thinking to yourself, "I am aware of the fact that I have been spending far too much time on social media lately and it is really affecting my mental health. I am going to delete social media for two weeks because I need to take a break and get into a better headspace before I start actively using social media again." As a result, you recognize something that is directly contributing to negatively affecting your mental and emotional health and you make the active decision to limit it. By setting a healthy consumption boundary with yourself, you are able to focus on becoming happier and healthier again.
Conclusion
Although laying out the different types of boundaries and providing examples of each may make setting boundaries seem like a walk in the park, I will not sit here and pretend that it is an easy skill to master. Setting boundaries takes a lot of hard work, dedication, and consistency. Initially, it can be a bit uncomfortable to put your own needs over the needs of others, but the more that you practice setting boundaries and staying firm in those boundaries, the easier it will become. If you commit to setting healthy boundaries and standing behind them, it will only be a matter of time before setting boundaries becomes an easy, natural skill. While I cannot promise that setting boundaries will always be a pleasant and comfortable situation, I can promise you that once you start, you will not only be beyond grateful, but you will never look back.
Works Cited
Richmond, R. (2019). Boundaries: Psychological Boundaries: Healthy Boundaries.
Retrieved from http://www.guidetopsychology.com/boundaries.htm
Local Optimist. (2020). Setting Boundaries. Retrieved from
https://www.localoptimist.com/blog/stories/post?id=Xh0pnhUAACUALr6P